Releasing the Fear of Actually Doing What I Love
2022 has been a whirlwind of waiting, unlearning, feeling, and deciding. And for those of you who don’t know I HATE waiting. I have an Aries moon and I am manifesting generator. PLUS, I feel like we are all raised with the belief that we need to all be manifestors who go out there and create the thing they want to see. Hence the term “go-getter”. So it was really hard for me to understand what using my authority in Human Design was actually like. I had to truly slurp in the waiting part in “wait to respond”.
At the beginning of the year, I set out to simplify my work load that I had created for myself. I was making products, offering services, hosting a podcast, running a coaching transparency page, and a Jewish life page. I felt that quiet voice from my body telling me that I was doing the most again and that I wouldn’t be able to sustain everything. Not to mention only 2 of those things made me any $$ to survive off of, but all of them took ample amounts of my time. So back to feeling/hearing that quiet voice. I was definitely intuiting that the path I was on was an unsustainable one and I could feel myself not wanting to let go of a single opportunity at the same time.
You see it’s super hard to give up something when it is a passion of yours simply because modern capitalism doesn’t leave time for passion projects when there is money to be made. On the other hand, I was truly afraid of giving up my possible avenues for money making when I was living out of a place of lack (generationally, programmatically, and literally). I was taught by a few different new-age biz coach mentors and eventually internalized the belief that coaching and services were the way to go.
To back it up a few years, I actually started my business as a crochet garment business and was pushed by a mentor to offer coaching. I was getting into my psychic and energy healing journey and wanted to find a way to make garments to help people on their healing journey. My mentor said, “oh it sounds like what you want to do is coaching,” and I was young, eager, and vulnerable when it came to business so I went with it. I made a lot of money for a time but quickly felt like it wasn’t the “it” I was searching for. As time went on I kept trying on different approaches and hats, slowly shifting what I did. Eventually I added in apothecary products and told myself that I had to be the reason it wasn’t working out. I kept teaching myself that I just wasn’t good at marketing, that I wasn’t being vulnerable enough, or that I wasn’t good at launching.
I took even more courses with biz and marketing people that left me feeling super fake using language like “bby” and posting about my Jungian archetypes in an effort to “connect” and “call in” my “dream clients”. I really felt this empty scarcity that I was pulling from to try and make ends meet. I told myself that 2022 was going to be the year that I simplified. I felt that if I didn’t, the simplification would happen to me in some way, shape, or form. So I tried thinking, feeling, and waiting. I sought counsel from other psychic friends and I thought about what programs and to-dos I could let go of.
I ended up asking myself why I didn’t want to let everything go and what I ACTUALLY, truly wanted to do from the bottom of my being and those two questions turned out to be extremely enlightening for me. I found out that I was holding onto things that I wasn’t excited for and actually, secretly dreaded doing. The “truths” about business I was taught by my mentors and observing those around me didn’t sit right inside me. I didn’t really have a biz mentor who just taught me biz strategies and empowerment until later on and by then it was too late. I believed that charging for expensive coaching was the only way to make the 6 figures every other coach seemed to be making on the internet. I was so far into other people’s beliefs that I was actually scared to let them go. I internalized the belief that if I gave up services then I wouldn’t be able to meet my financial goals in my business and it created so much fear that I was scared to make any decision, even entertain the truth, about what I actually wanted to do. Once I realized that I internalized a lot of beliefs and rules that weren’t real and weren’t mine. I dug deeper to find that my ego was behind these limiting fears and found that it was tied to my fear of success and being deserving (from childhood) and I have recently been working to push past it. In the past, I have tried to be friends with it and be gentle, but I’ve learned that I don’t personally work too well with gentle nudges and affirmations. But that is for another time…
I then felt I was ready to face my truth about what made me happy. Because my ego and fears were so far in front of my emotions that I wasn’t able to accurately sus out my desires. I felt like they were clouded and diluted. I had this weird doubtful soup that I was swirling in and could barely feel the excitement peeking through all the dread about making enough money to pay all my bills. The thing I was most excited about were my products and once I allowed myself to fully feel that as a possible reality, the rest of the fears finally surfaced. And with the knowledge of all my current fears I was able to work around them and go after my dreams regardless of how scary they felt.
Of course, knowing is half the battle, but it creates a lot of permission and removes tons of pressure around our feelings. The next step (that I already mentioned) is working with the root of the fears that are stored in your body.
But regardless, I wanted to share my journey that legit took me until the summer to release and claim for myself. I am still transitioning and building positive connections for my desires, but this journey is sadly super common in the new age spaces and with vulnerable new biz owners and I wanted to share it with you so know you aren’t alone.
Love
